Who gets a $1.5 million party for their birthday?

DAVE SIMPSON & GREG BEAN

Red State/Blue State This week we are starting a new occasional

feature, a political discussion between

Red State conservative Dave

Simpson – a former reporter, editor, publisher

and columnist – and Greg Bean,

Blue Stater and executive editor of

Greater Media Newspapers. We hope you

enjoy it. Let us know what you think.

Dear Greg:

Did you see in the paper that Hillary Clinton’s friends spent $1.5 million last week throwing her a birthday party?

What’s the deal with that?

As you know, I’m a Red State kind of guy, so the thought of spending that much on a birthday party is kind of foreign to me. One point five million smackers would pay for a whole block of houses in my subdivision.

So, I need a more sophisticated Blue State, crudités-eating kind of guy to explain how anyone could spend that much on someone who just turned 60, which is a pretty common deal, if you think about it. I’ll be there in a couple years myself and I’ll bet my wife doesn’t spend $20 to mark the occasion.

And don’t try to tell me that you don’t favor Hillary in next year’s election. If I’ve got to explain Ron Paul in the Republican race, then you certainly have an obligation to belly up to the bar and accept some responsibility for Hillary, who is, after all, the front-runner for you Blue State types.

Tell the truth now, didn’t it kind of creep you out when that guy sang “Happy Birthday, Mrs. President” to Hillary the other night, just like Marilyn Monroe sang it to her married boyfriend President Kennedy years ago? The difference was, President Kennedy was actually president at the time. And if I were the Clintons, I’d stay away from the subject of two-timing presidents, if you know what I mean.

And, aren’t you Blue Staters all atwitter that people – including your friends in the media – are getting ahead of themselves and handing the nomination to Hillary even before one person has voted in a primary?

Imagine if we Red Staters just started assuming that our boy Rudy was going to be the nominee. You’d probably find that presumptuous of us, and make some unkind reference to vote counting in Florida.

These Clintons seem to have trouble with birthday parties. I remember the year Bill Clinton turned 50. They had been vacationing in Yellowstone. When they flew out of Jackson Hole to go to New York for a big celebrity-studded birthday bash, one of the support planes crashed into a mountainside, killing all on board. I figured that out of respect for the dead they’d cancel or delay the birthday party, but hey, the celebrities were already gathering in New York, so the party went on, even as the wreckage smoldered.

Actions speak louder than words, and that told me a lot about the Clintons.

But then, I’m a Red State kind of guy.

So, what do you think, Greg? Is the woman who had the $1.5 million birthday party really going to follow through on her promise to restore “fiscal responsibility” in America?

Your friend,

Red State Dave

Dear Dave:

You mean they threw a birthday party without asking Rudy Giuliani if he’d like to come in drag and sing the birthday song? Jeez, that was pretty rude of them. You just haven’t lived until you’ve seen Rudy wearing garters and heels.

I suppose I could point out that this is a perfect example why people like Hillary are such good politicians. You notice that she got this nice birthday party, and somebody else paid for it? How cool is that? Last time someone threw a birthday party for me, I still had to pick up the check because my wife never carries cash.

At least it shows that Hillary has friends. If George Bush was counting on friends to throw him a party, about all he could find is one guy in Minot, North Dakota, who might spring for an order of cheese fries.

And yes, it did indeed creep me out when that guy sang “Happy Birthday, Mrs. President,” but probably for a different reason than it did you. You hear that song, and you think of Marilyn, and you think of sex. And then, darn it, you can’t help thinking of Hillary and sex, and the next thing you know you’re screaming out loud. It’s like thinking of Eleanor Roosevelt and sex. Go ahead, try to picture that and see what happens.

But you know what? I’m kind of tired of you know-it-all Republicans assuming that just because some of us live in a Blue State and are pretty tired of Darth Vader and Lord What’s His Name trying to blow up the universe, we all support Hillary Clinton. Not all of us like the lady that much, know what I mean? As a matter of fact, I kind of agree with Rudy (God take me now!) when he asks what she’s ever done to qualify her to be president. She hasn’t run a state, or a company, or even a checking account for all we know. And besides, she’s kind of a nag. It would be like having the head librarian from junior high as the president, and how much fun would that be?

On the other hand, if Hillary is elected, we’ll get Bill back, and I like him, no matter what you say. Compared to the hijinks some of your Red State friends have gotten up to in the last few years when it comes to twisted behavior, what old Bill did was fairly mild. At least he wasn’t hanging around airports waggling his fingers like that senator from Idaho.

And please, please don’t lecture me about politicians who go ahead with their business in the face of tragedy. I know you’re trying to make some kind of point about character with that airplane crash story, but let’s think back to 9/11 when a different kind of crash happened, and nobody could tear the Idiot-in-Chief away from the book he was reading to that class of kids. Which of those events says the most about character, pal?

Your friend,

Blue State Greg

You can reach Greg Bean at gbean

@gmnews.com. Dave Simpson can be

reached at d_simpson@bresnan.net.