Red State/Blue State

To know R. Giuliani is to love him – or maybe not

DAVE SIMPSON & GREG BEAN

A political discussion between Red State conservative Dave Simpson – a former reporter, editor, publisher and columnist – and Greg Bean, Blue Stater and executive editor of Greater Media Newspapers. Let us know what you think.

Dear Greg:

I went outside this morning and finally stuck the “Rudy” bumper sticker on my trusty beige minivan.

Rudy’s very funny imitation of Hillary Clinton whining about “piling on” and being asked “unfair” “gotcha” questions sealed the deal for me, moving my level of commitment to the bumper sticker level, which, while reversible, is still significant.

I know you’re not a Hillary fan, Greg, so I assume you don’t agree with the Clinton staffer who said Tim Russert should be “shot” for asking Hillary about giving driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants in New York. To me, shooting seems a bit extreme.

And what’s all this being unfair to women stuff? Haven’t they been lecturing us for decades that women can do everything we can do, and in most cases, do it better? What happened to all that equality stuff?

But, back to Rudy. What I don’t understand, Greg, is why it’s a great thing for liberals to appear on “Saturday Night Live,” but you criticize my boy Rudy for doing the same thing. I know, I know, in one skit he dressed up as a woman, but I once saw Justin Timberlake dress up as Gumby on SNL, and my daughter still loves the guy.

Remember after 9/11 when Lorne Michaels asked the question, “Can we be funny again?” And remember what Rudy said? He said, “Why start now?” That’s good stuff, Greg, certainly as good as Jesse Jackson reading “Green Eggs and Ham,” or Al Sharpton rocking out. Jesse and Al got rave reviews, but you hold a little cross-dressing for a good cause against Rudy.

If SNL guest and global warming scold Al Gore had cut crime and taxes in New York the way Rudy did, they’d be adding an oak leaf cluster to his Nobel Prize, and guys like Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews would have an even bigger man crush on the guy. But then, expecting good press for a Republican in the national media is like expecting the Hatfields to supply unbiased news about the McCoys.

My wife goes to New York to see Elton John from time to time (don’t ask, it’s a mystery to me, too), and frankly I like the fact that she’s safer these days than before Rudy was mayor. And in these days of terrorism and cutting off heads, I think we could use some of that in the White House as well.

I know he’s had three wives, but I’ve had two, and the older I get, the less I care about stuff like that. A rocky marriage in the White House would be nothing new. And as to abortion, he said he would appoint guys like Sam Alito and John Roberts to the Supreme Court, and that’s all I need to hear. Let them work it out.

So, at least for now, Rudy’s my boy. I know you disagree vehemently, Greg, so in closing, I’ll ask just one thing:

Don’t taze me, Bro.

Yours truly, Red State Dave

Dear Dave:

You know, I feel a little sorry for you Red Staters who support Giuliani. Sure, he looks OK at first glance compared to the competition, so we can forgive you for grasping at straws. Trust me when I tell you, though, that Rudy Giuliani is a little like herpes – the more you know about him, the less you want to have him.

For example, Rudy is not (as you say) a one-time drag queen. He’s a serial drag queen and that “Saturday Night Live” thing was only one of many appearances in female garb. I’ll grant that something done in good fun like that shouldn’t be held against him – at least it shows he has a sense of humor.

What should be held against him are his alley-cat morality and dangerous lack of judgment.

You might have been married a couple of times, but you haven’t been married so many times you have actual rice scars on your face. And I’d be surprised to find out you were fooling around with all your future wives (and other assorted hangers-on) while you were still married to your exwives. And as far as I know, you didn’t announce your plan to divorce your ex-wife in a press conference before she knew about it from you.

Jeez, even the guy’s kids won’t support him. His son says he’s too busy playing golf or something, and his daughter is actively blogging for the competition. Apparently, you don’t know Rudy like they know Rudy.

And then, of course, there’s Bernard B. Kerik, who is now facing a whole raft of federal felony charges including tax evasion and bribery.

It’s important to remember that not only did Rudy appoint Kerik as New York City police commissioner, he supported his nomination to head the federal Department of Homeland Security.

Now, of course, Rudy says he just didn’t check Kerik out thoroughly enough, and told The New York Times last week he wants to “make sure we do a better job in the future.”

Would you want Rudy’s people like Bernard Kerik in charge of protecting your backside and your right to vote for people who want to take over the government (Republicans like you)? Would you even sleep nights? No? Didn’t think so.

Rudy, by the way, says we shouldn’t judge him by mistakes like Kerik. We should look at other accomplishments, like his actions after 9/11 (just don’t talk to the people in the New York City fire department, who despise him).

“Sure, there were issues,” he told the Times, “but if I have the same degree of success and failure as president of the United States, this country will be in great shape.” (!)

I promise I won’t taze you over a boneheaded decision like supporting Rudy, Bro. But if Giuliani gets elected, I guarandamn tee he will.

Your friend,

Blue State Greg

You can reach Greg Bean at gbean @gmnews.com. Dave Simpson can be reached at d_simpson@bresnan.net.