A political discussion between Red State conservative Dave Simpson – a former reporter, editor, publisher and columnist – and Greg Bean, Blue Stater and executive editor of Greater Media Newspapers.
Dear Greg:
I notice that your bff (best friend forever, in case, like, you don’t know) candidate Barack Obama – coolest, most gnarly liberal dude on the planet – is making liberals faint again at campaign gatherings.
For a while there, the dewy-eyed liberals were maintaining consciousness, maybe because of the mean things former President Frisky Bill said about Barack. But they’re getting the vapors again, old buddy, and I saw EMTs on TV lending aid to a fallen Kool-Aid drinker just the other day.
That got me wondering what it would take to make Red State guys like me faint.
I could get lightheaded over a candidate who said something like this:
“I’m running for president, not God, OK? I’m a successful person who has a life outside politics, and if you ever see me doing things just to get re-elected – – like most of the greedy creeps and perennials in Washington – it’s your duty as anAmerican to throw my miserable butt out of office.”
(I’m starting to see stars, Greg.)
“I think the federal government is way too big already, and I promise not to make this critter any bigger. When businesses have to lay off employees, I promise to lay off some bureaucrats. And, why we send money to state and local governments is a mystery to me. If we’ve got enough money to meddle in their affairs, we ought to cut taxes, and stick to federal issues like defense, trade and interstate highways.”
(Call 911, pal. I’m getting lightheaded.)
“If you ever hear me talk about ‘public service,’ it’s your duty to LAUGH AT ME. These jobs pay far more than most Americans get, the retirement and health care are to die for, and have you seen the plane I get to ride around in if I win this clambake? Public service, my gluteus maximus. Everyone should get a chance to ‘serve’ like this.”
(Take me now, Lord, I’ve witnessed perfection.)
“I promise not to punish you just because you saved all your life and now it’s time to sell some stock or property to have a nice retirement. People who save and succeed aren’t the enemy. If you catch me playing the class warfare game, it’s your patriotic duty to hoot me out of office.”
(I’ve got to sit down, Greg. I’m getting dizzy.)
“Government could screw up a steel ball with a rubber hammer, and if you don’t believe me, take a look at the tax code. They’ve hung so many special interest saddle bags on that horse that you can’t see the danged horse anymore.
“If you think a president ‘runs the economy,’ you need to sit down and take a pill, Deary. Presidents can do plenty to screw up the economy, but ‘running’ it is like herding cats. I promise not to do anything to screw it up.”
“Lastly, if you’re looking for a daddy, not a president, vote for the other guy. And, try to get a life before the next election.”
Pass the smelling salts, old pal. I’ve made myself delirious.
Tell me, Greg, what would it take to make a Blue State guy like you swoon?
Your crusty friend,
Red State Dave
d_simpson@bresnan.net
Dear Dave:
I think the speech you just wrote would make me a tad bit weak in the knees as well. But in a perfect world, I’d like it to go on a little longer.
Neither Barack Obama nor John Mc- Cain would ever give a speech that short anyway. People wouldn’t think they got their money’s worth. So if either of them continued with something like this, I’d probably have to be carried away in a wheelbarrow:
“And speaking of getting a life, let’s talk for a few minutes about keeping one. If I’m elected president, I guarantee I’ll have a lot more respect for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness than the last guy.”
(He’s got my attention now.)
“I promise I’ll work to protect all the rights guaranteed in the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, not just the ones I like the best or which happen to be convenient. For starters, I’ll pay as much attention and give as much support to protecting the right to habeas corpus, the right to a fair and speedy trial, the right to be protected from cruel and unusual punishment, and the right of privacy for our citizens as I gave to the Second Amendment when it talks about gun ownership.”
(What’s that? It’s the rapid beating of my heart.)
“For starters, we’re going to quit torturing people and holding them forever without a trial. That’s the way they operate in the countries we’re supposedly fighting against, so we’re not gonna do it anymore, because we are better than that.
“We’re also gonna stop snooping on our own people and listening to their telephone calls and tracking their computer and financial records unless we have real evidence they’re involved in nefarious activity. We’re gonna stop chipping away at the rights protected by the First Amendment, and all the other amendments except the Second.”
(Where are my nitroglycerine tabs? I thought there were a couple in my jacket pocket.)
“But here’s the biggie. We’re gonna stop throwing our weight around the world like a schoolyard bully and trying to make everyone do what we want, just because we’re bigger and stronger. That’s not polite or civilized behavior, and we’re gonna start acting like grown-ups.
“And I promise, pinkie swear, in fact, that I will never take this country to war and justify it with lies and ginned-up intelligence. The last guy did that because he’d watched ‘Wag the Dog’ too many times and thought being president really meant being king. I’ll protect our country, and I’ll do it with the force of arms if necessary, but I will never put Americans in harm’s way just to make a point to my daddy.”
(Good gosh a-mighty, I’m comin’ home!)
“Two more promises. One, I’ll read a book from time to time. And two, I’ll exile Dick Cheney to Anamoose, North Dakota.”
That’s what it would take to make me swoon, old friend. Thanks for asking.
Your absolutely giddy friend,
Blue State Greg
gbean@gmnews.com