Getting realistic about our promises to ourselves
By Sally Stang, Special Writer
He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; He who makes one is a fool. — F.M. Knowles
Almost two weeks into 2014 and I have broken every New Year resolution. Frankly, I’m not surprised. I lie to myself all the time, if you want to know the truth.
After all these years, one might think that I would no longer trust myself, but I continue to be a sucker for my own empty promises.
I look at myself in the mirror with those earnest, cocker spaniel eyes that I use when I’m lying to myself and I could sell myself the Brooklyn Bridge. And after swindling myself, I’d lie to myself about what I did with the money and I’d believe myself. I hope I had fun with the money. (But I digress… already!)
Of course, setting lofty goals each year is terrific. You want to be someone better! Someone who is less like, well… you! It means you’re aiming for the stars and stars sure are pretty! I like the way they twinkle (Resolution: Stop digressing!)
Unfortunately, making these grand, sweeping declarations, is the way we set ourselves up to fail, isn’t it?
So, it’s obvious that, being a lying promise-breaker, I aimed too high. I need to lower my expectations of myself. I need a plan B.
Here we go! This is a list of the resolutions that I made (marked A) with every good intention of keeping them (liar!), followed by a lower, more realistic goal (marked B), which I will absolutely be able to keep (pants on fire!):
(A) Vacuum every week; (B) Buy a Roomba.
(A) Exercise every day; (B) Bend over to turn on the Roomba, once a week (OK, month).
(A) Lose weight; (B) Buy bigger pants and Spanx, but cut back on the butter on my doughnuts.
(A) Join the gym; (B) Drive past the gym. Wave vigorously.
(A) Eat less chocolate; (B) Install a Hershey’s IV drip directly into my arm.
(A) Eat more fruit and vegetables; (B) Grape jelly is fruit, isn’t it? And green M&M’s are vegetables. That’s a fact!
(A) Eat more kale; (B) Find out what kale is.
(A) Drink less coffee; (B) Drink more coffee
(A) Clean the cat litter box every day; (B) Empty the litter before there’s a rainbow over the box.
(A) Play with the cat more, get her to lose some weight; (B) Watch her ride around on the Roomba, post video on YouTube
(A) Stop drinking milk; (B) Start drinking soy milk (which means “I am milk” in Spanish )
(A) Learn Spanish; (B) Eat Spanish rice
(A) Do some traveling, maybe Mexico; (B) Have Mexican food delivered by drone device from restaurant across the street.
(A) Do my laundry more often; (B) Use more deodorant and Febreze.
(A) money; (B) Rob a bank.
(A) I will start to pay off my credit cards; (B) Rob a bank or join the witness protection program.
(A) Deep clean the apartment; (B) Make peace with my pet dust mites, give them cute names, like “Dusty.”
(A) Invent a jet pack; (B) Get on a step stool to reach those cobwebs
(A) Get organized, clean up unsightly clutter; (B) Dim the lights.
(A) Clean out my refrigerator; (B) Ignore whatever is making that throbbing noise.
(A) Organize hundreds of family photos; (B) Adopt a fresh, new family (more attractive, preferably)
(A) Make new friends, smile more often, act friendly (B) Avoid eye contact, pretend to be talking on the cell phone. Buy a doormat that says “Scram!”
(A) Join an Internet dating site, like match.com