With the season of summer attire quickly approaching, I think it’s time we weigh in on diets. I realized this just the other day as I stood in a dressing room at a local clothing store and caught sight of my knees.
Granted, they have never been great. I have never had knee definition or a sculpted patella, and I have never contemplated insuring my appendages for a million dollars. But, quite frankly, my knees certainly have never looked so bad.
I did as any woman with chubby knees would do, and vowed then and there to make time for a daily walk and perhaps incorporate lunges into my Monday-morning bill-paying routine.
That wasn’t going to be enough to get me back into a single-digit pant size, I knew that. If exercising alone would let me eat what I wanted, I would sign up for a triathlon and a 5:30 a.m. boot camp.
No, sir — you have got to pair them up, sister. Diet and exercise. They go hand in hand. I know all too well that not only was I going to have to get a move on, I was going to have to do it stat.
The thing about dieting is that I am always watching what I eat. I don’t pig out on pizza, I rarely chip away at bags of Doritos, and I can’t remember the last time I wolfed down a hot dog.
I haven’t had a cookie since tasting a tidbit turned into a three-cookie consumption that put 5 pounds on me last Christmas.
I only put on 5 more pounds during the income tax season, but I considered that a personal success because I usually gain 10 pounds just looking at a 1099.
With summer just around the corner, I am shaking in my flip-flops. Worse yet, thanks to graduation parties, dieting this time of year is harder than ever.
I like to start out “Graduation Party Saturday” on the meal-replacement bar plan. I put one of those bad boys away on the way to the celebration to convince me that the measly 110 calories will stave off hunger for the better part of the day.
Upon taking a gander at the brisket, I quickly switch over to the “Low Carb Diet.” Yes, sir — one can eat all the protein she wants on that slim-down fest. Just steer clear of pasta and breads, and you’re good to go.
I was content until we arrived at party No. 2 and saw they were serving goulash. Now, I’m no goulash fan, and normally I would have been able to hold my own — but, lo and behold, if that wasn’t the best smelling pasta I had encountered since last year’s linguine.
Luckily enough for me, I remembered a friend who ate nothing but pasta and garden vegetables, and lost 13 pounds back in the 1990s. And therefore I chose to start the “Nothing But Pasta Diet.” Just to be on the safe side, I decided I would eat nothing at the remainder of the graduation parties, and that vow lasted until I saw the taco bar at party No. 3. I quickly realized it was time to change things up again, and although I’m not one to bang my own skillet, I did keep down to a portion no larger than a deck of cards, as the fine folks at the four food groups wisely advise.
I might struggle with my weight, but I have forgotten more about dieting than some people will ever know, and I am no stranger to the food pyramid.
I quickly did some calculating and decided the pyramid was the way to go. Not only was I short on my daily allowance of cheese, but that watermelon over in the corner was calling my name.
I may not have counted all of my groups correctly, but the image I conjured up in my head showed a cupcake at the top of the pyramid. And since we were at a party, why the heck not enjoy all of the food groups that life throws our way and have me some cake? There’s always tomorrow.
At my age, who really needs sculpted knees anyway? Lori Clinch is the mother of four sons and the author of the book “Are We There Yet?” You can reach her by sending an email to loriclinch2010@gmail.com.