A h July, the heart of the summer. As I bask in the sun, sipping lemonade and anticipating whether the grasshoppers will completely devour the clematis, one thing lingers on the forefront of my mind: The Family Vacation.
Back in the day, I longed for the Brady Bunch version. I fantasized myself experiencing a good hair day and smiling with love as I passed baloney sandwiches to the back of the van and my children rewarding me with smiles and gratitude as they broke into yet another round of “Row Row — Row Your Dang Boat.”
Talk about a pipe dream.
When our four sons were little, I would tremble with fear at the thought of vacationing. Although I had read my parenting books and made mental notes of fun things to do with four children strapped into a safety harness, I realized that the renowned author “Dr. C.I. Hasnokids” might not have been in touch with the real world when he made his recommendations.
Even though I had followed his advice to the letter and packed each of the boys his own little shoebox complete with a juice pack, crayons and enough word searches to make a noun choke, my sons were less than entertained.
They rolled their eyes at my suggestion of Treasure Hunt; scoffed at the idea of a rousing game of algebraic equations; and when I suggested the traditional game of “Let’s see who can be quiet the longest,” they all shouted in unison, “I lose!”
Out of sheer boredom, our sons brawled over the window seat; wrestled over invisible boundary lines; and fought over food, where to go, who’s right, who’s wrong and — for the love of all that is sane — who did it last.
They said “No fair!” eight times and “You love him more!” 15 times. Then they called out “He’s looking at me,” which was repeatedly followed by “He did it first!” And that was all before the key ignited the engine.
Even though my spouse and I knew a family vacation was a mistake before we made it to the end of the block, we persevered with all the hope and ignorance we could muster.
Yes, sir — there was nothing quite like time spent in a car packed with kinfolk. And we were, by gum, going to have a good time if it killed the both of us.
The time went by so fast that I don’t know what happened. One minute they were sitting in the back seat with a bucket of dinosaurs and playing Keep the Bottle From the Baby, and the next they were all plugged into MP3s, portable CDs and enough DVDs to make me want to buy a vowel.
Time passed, things changed, and suddenly our boys are all but grown. Rest assured, they still poke and prod and rarely resist the urge to pinch a brother and say, “Pass it on!” But these days we can make it to the end of the driveway and sometimes beyond before the first punch is thrown.
No trip is complete without iPhones, iPads and, thanks to iTunes, a plethora of music to be enjoyed by all.
Instead of “Sit still!” and “Stop that!” orders, recent vacations consisted more of “Take those headphones off!” and “Put that thing away!” and my husband’s all-time favorite, “You do not need to be on your texting machines 24-7!”
With a crew that could finally travel farther than the local lake without incident, we really started taking in some sights. The past few summers we ventured to places like Chicago; Montana; and the Grand Canyon, where the rule was “Don’t even fake a fake push!”
This year we brought the calendar out early and contemplated destinations near and far. I was finally enjoying traveling with our sons. Loved it, in fact — right up until last evening when our Vernon called and said he would not be able to join us.
It seems that Huey has a conflict, and the younger two sons only want to go if it’s somewhere “really cool.”
For the first time since we started raising a family, we won’t be having a complete family vacation — and that just makes me sad. Last night, my dear friend asked, “If you could go back, would you?”
As I pondered those little guys, strapped into their car seats with a bucket of dinosaurs between them, I thought about her question for a moment and then snapped, “Oh, heck no!” Lori Clinch is the mother of four sons and the author of the book “Are We There Yet?” You can reach her by sending an email to [email protected].