By Chuck O’Donnell, Special Writer
Amy Muller-Thomas was wracked with pain with each breath she drew after her bilateral mastectomy.
Robbed her of her strength after aggressive chemotherapy, the single mom could barely drag herself out of bed to get daughter Hailey off to school.
Ms. Muller-Thomas has struggled with her self-esteem and self-image, and many times her only self-defense has been her words.
As Breast Cancer Awareness Month is observed in October, the messages of how early detection, proper screenings and diligent self-examinations can save lives will fill the autumn air like so many falling leaves.
Ms. Muller-Thomas can tell you that sharing your story with anyone and everyone who will listen — no matter how unpleasant the details or how uncomfortable it makes you feel — can sometimes be the best medicine.
“It has been very cathartic,” said the Hillsborough resident. “I’m pretty open about it. I find that it’s easier to be open about it then just hiding away and being miserable. If you bottle it up, it just eats you alive.”
Ms. Muller-Thomas’ life was forever changed about 14 months ago. She was getting in the shower and noticed that her left breast was dimpled and misshapen. That sent her to the doctor, and so began a series of tests.
The phone rang in her kitchen at about lunch time on July 16, 2014. The results were in, and on the other end of the line was a voice telling her she had cancer.
“I was in shock,” Ms. Muller-Thomas said. “I couldn’t believe it. I had just been through a very tough divorce and now this. I was like, ‘But I’m only 35.’”
Breast cancer, however, doesn’t discriminate on the basis of age, race, ethnicity or economic status. According to the World Cancer Research Fund, it is the most common cancer among women, with nearly 1.7 million new cases diagnosed across the globe in 2012. (Many people might not realize it, but thousands of men have it, too.)
Fifty days later, she had both breasts removed. It was a difficult decision, but she didn’t want to have to go back through the whole thing again since there was a chance the cancer had spread.
She emerged from the surgery choking back pain with every breath. It felt like, as she puts it, “you had a house of bricks on your chest.” She felt every brick, too, since she is allergic to most pain medications.
As if the four surgeries haven’t been bad enough, the chemotherapy left her virtually powerless. Ms. Muller-Thomas was terrified that Hailey would be scared of her once her hair fell out. When the last fistfuls of hair finally gave way, she turned off the shower, ran into the bedroom and began to cry. Hailey, however, cuddled up next to her.
“She said, ‘It’s OK, mom. You have breast cancer. Your hair will grow back. Don’t worry about it, mom. I love you no matter what,’” Ms. Muller-Thomas said.
Ms. Muller-Thomas said it has been a blessing to have her mom, Johanne, and father, Henry, and Hailey in her corner.
She had her last chemotherapy treatment on Feb. 27. She has her good days, like when she can take Hailey for a walk in the morning sunshine. And she has her bad days, when she has residual pain in her bones. She will be undergoing her fifth surgery, where they will be reconstructing her breasts. She lives with the specter that one stray cell could have evaded treatment and will bring about another fight with cancer. It’s a thought she tries to put out of her mind.
Putting aside the waves of guilt hasn’t been easy, either. She never saw it coming.
“And the guilt was: I’m not a good mom,” Ms. Muller-Thomas said. “And the other guilt is: It’s almost like you’re a child again. You need someone to take care of you. Seeing that in my dad’s eyes, tearing up because I’m bald. He doesn’t have to say anything; that’s his daughter. And my mom, putting all her work aside and just taking me to chemo every week. She had her notepad and she wrote down every drug that was going into my body.
“You feel like you are intruding on their lives and there’s a lot of guilt with that.”
Sharing her experiences with others has been a salve on her heart. Ms. Muller-Thomas said she has connected not only with other cancer survivors, but with people fighting all types of battles. She’s met many of them through Steps Together, an organization created by Mike and Courtney Newman of Hillsborough. Steps Together aims to raise money by offering runners training, a team feeling and a motivating cause — all in one package.
Being able to let others into her darkest, most intimate moments has helped alleviate that guilt and make her feel like she’s paying it forward in some small way.
“It never really was hesitant to talk about it,” Ms. Muller-Thomas said. “I just felt like if I could help one person, it would be worth it.”
To help Ms. Muller-Thomas fight breast cancer, log on to www.youcaring.com.
