This may be enough to make you shake your head with a proverbial tsk tsk.
But not only have I NOT adorned the abode with Valentine’s hearts, but I’ll be danged if all of the Christmas décor isn’t hanging around in every nook and cranny.
I have garland strewn about the staircase, glitter galore and bulbs in every see-through container. One day I was entertaining with glee and the next riddled with embarrassment that I was no longer on top of my seasonal décor.
Suddenly each and every person who walks in the door is remarking with shock, “Oh, I see you haven’t taken your tree down yet! ” Gosh, ya think?
I’d like to state for the record, that it’s not my fault. For it seems that I had no sooner pulled in from a sleigh ride with bells a jingjing jingling, ring-ring-ringling too and bid our New Year’s guests a hardy adieu, when the Christmas season reduced itself to the bottom of my life-screen and the weight loss and tax people moved in like a virus-induced pop-up and all but took over my hard drive.
I’ve got piles on top of my piles. Adding machines, file boxes, year-end reports and the whole shebang. I feel as though I’ve been locked up for days poring over figures and calculation, percentages and deductions, and that’s just to figure out how many pounds I put on in the last month.
It’s the commercials that are really getting to me. For instead of happy scenarios that involve cars adorned with big red bows and the Old Navy mannequins advertising scarves with matching sweaters, we’re being inundated with happy folks doing their taxes and belly crunches simultaneously.
There’s Millie from Manitowoc who is able to file her 1099s on her way to the laundry room, adds a decimal point to her tax data as she organizes her car pool and hits “submit” as she checks her lipstick.
Why her deductions practically categorize themselves, and thanks to her happy tax software, her refund check all but pops out of her CD tray as her family hoists her up on their shoulders chanting, “Go, Mom, you’re the bomb!”
Thankfully enough for Millie, she’d taken the time to do the Special K challenge (she wouldn’t want to have her husband’s back on the fritz when the verdict on the health care reform is still out).W
hile the rest of us are stuck in our chairs trying to figure out why we wrote a check to PDMO last July (and just who the heck is the PDMO?), Millie has joined the gym, got a few crunches in while packing away her artificial mistletoe, and has already addressed her Valentine’s Day cards.
And I thought the diamond commercials were bad.
To add insult to injury, there’s that advertisement with a svelte 20-something woman who cries ever so pathetically about her recent weight gain of 6 pounds, followed by her (someone grab me a hankie) growth from a three to a size four pants.
Now, thanks to prepackaged meals and six easy payments of $39.99, she not only looks like a model but she plays one on TV.
It’s enough to make a gal like me want to choke on her Dexatrim tablet.
Perhaps if I lose my skepticism and opt for patronizing the products that inundate my TV screen, I, too, can be as happy as those people.
I could see if a Nintendo Wii Fit Plus is a tax deduction and have my family gaze upon me with love as I try to make a meal out of a replacement bar and curb my appetite with herbs and natural suppressants.
Shoot, maybe I’ll even get in good enough shape to catch that annoying little stack of bills with the eyeballs and find out if I can truly save 15 percent or more on car insurance.
Possibly I’ll sip on some green tea, put on my Snuggie and work on our taxes in comfort and style.
Then all I’ll need is a product that’ll take the Christmas tree down.
Lori Clinch is the mother of four sons and the author of the book “Are We There Yet?” You can reach her at www.loriclinch. com.