So, you’ve got the wife, the kids and the dog in the backseat of the car, and you’re driving all the way down I-95 from your home in Maine to Florida so that everyone can spend a few days at Walt Disney World, with a side trip to catch the mermaids at Weeki Wachee Springs. You’re happy, you’re excited, you’re playing the license plate game.
Hold on, what’s that? Why does that state cop have his bubble lights going? He wants you to pull over.
“What was I doing, Officer?”
“Seventy-two in a 65; I’m gonna write you up.”
“How much will that cost?”
“Regularly, $87, but since this is a construction zone, $132. I’m also gonna write you up for that Swiss Army knife on your keychain. That’s illegal around here, too.”
“A pocketknife?”
“Yep, and that one could be a felony, unless they bargain it down to a disorderly person. Any way you look at it, that’s gonna cost you about a grand.”
You’re beating your head on the steering wheel. Can this get any worse?
“I’m also gonna write you up because your dog isn’t restrained in a seat belt harness. That one will cost you between $250 and a grand, maybe six months in jail.”
You laugh out loud. “OK, I see what this is. It’s ‘Candid Camera,’ right? Maybe that show ‘Punk’d’ the kids are always watching?”
“Nope,” the state cop says. “This is the real deal.”
“Where am I then?” you ask. “In the Twilight Zone? The Fifth Dimension? Hell?”
“None of those,” the cop says. “Welcome to New Jersey.”
Last week, officials at the New Jersey State Police said they were teaming up with the New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission to enforce a state law prohibiting unrestrained animals — dogs, cats, and presumably fish — in vehicles on New Jersey roadways. This is the first state in the nation with a law like this — a few others prohibit allowing your dog to sit on your lap — and the penalties for unrestrained dogs range from $250 to $1,000 and as much as six months in jail. Violators could also be charged with animal cruelty (since animals can turn into “projectiles” in an accident), and get another ticket from the local animal control officer. These restraint harnesses, by the way, are available at most pet supply stores for between $20 and $40 and buckle into a seat belt, assuming you can wrestle your animal into the thing in the first place. Cats may have to be crated (and the crate buckled in) since trying to get most cats into one of the devices would result in bloodshed (yours).
“You wouldn’t put your child in the car unrestrained, so you shouldn’t put your pet in the car unrestrained, either,” said Col. Frank Rizzo, superintendent of the New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (NJSPCA). “What people come to realize only too late is that animals act like flying missiles in an impact and can not only hurt themselves but hurt their human family members, too.”
Before we go any further, let’s put this in some perspective. The fine for not buckling your own seatbelt is $46, driving on the sidewalk is $47, failure to yield the right of way at an intersection is $81, riding your horse on the Parkway is $47, driving your farm tractor on the same road is $47, careless driving is $81, and on, and on, and on. As a matter of fact, if you look at the fee schedule for motor vehicle violations in this state, you’ll be hard pressed to find much that cracks the $200 barrier, unless you’re driving with a broken axle or your metal leaf springs are dragging on the ground. As an additional point of comparison, consider that the fine for driving with an open container of beer in your lap is $200 for the first offense, $250 for the second. The fine for driving while possessing drugs is a minimum of $50, and the penalty for having less than 50g of marijuana is $1,000. The fine for talking on a cell phone or texting while driving is $100 for a first offense, although they’re talking about increasing it to $200.
So if you’re busted for texting while driving, not wearing a seat belt and driving on the sidewalk, you’re looking at $193 in fines. Good thing your Shih Tzu was wearing his straitjacket.
I first heard about this new Nanny State outrage on one of the network morning news programs last week when the anchor flashed to a newspaper story with the headline, “New Jersey first state in nation to require seat belts on pets.”
“Is this a joke?” the anchor asked. When told that it wasn’t, she laughed. “A good reason to stay away from New Jersey,” she said.
It’s a joke, all right, and the joke’s on us for allowing this intrusive, ridiculous nonsense to be jammed down our throats without a whimper. Did anyone ask us if we wanted something like this? Was there any discussion beforehand? Who was responsible for passing this vague, sweeping, idiotic law at the state level? Will those persons please raise their hands so we can make rude gestures and pelt them with dog droppings? Are you really going to fine the old lady down the block who lets her geriatric and sedate dogs ride unrestrained in the car for the half mile trip to the dog park $250 or $1,000? Stick her in county jail for six months? You’re going to make her a criminal? (And me, as I often let the dogs ride in the front seat of the pickup, but never on my lap, because I have some common sense)? Was that your intention?
If it was, then shame on you all. This is what happens when governments are broke and the public is not paying attention — mindless, police-state regulations that don’t target the real problems (people whose pets ride on their laps, dashboards or the beds of pickups) and make criminals of ordinary, law-abiding folks who’ve enjoyed having their dogs ride along with them, unrestrained and problem free, for years.
Gregory Bean is the former executive editor of Greater Media Newspapers. You can reach him at gbean@gmnews.com.